I remember so vividly…meconium in my water, rushing to the birth center, being told that I would no longer be eligible to give birth the way I was praying so hard to be able to do, the sudden moment of both fear and excitement settling in…my daughter, my sweetest little girl, was only one canal away from me. I didn’t want to be on my back…but somehow the weight of everything led me there. I would push for hours without an epidural…she was sunny-side up…how I wish I had taken Spinning Babies courses more seriously. I would finally get the epidural…had no idea I was even having contractions…I felt powerful again…let’s goooooo…another couple of hours goes by. By this time, I’m in labor for over 24 hours.

My ego tells me to keep pushing, but my body tells me it’s tired.

There wasn’t an emergency…yet. All of my studying for a natural hypnobirth suddenly feels so distant. I just want to live. I just want my baby to live. I feel like I am getting weaker and weaker. My baby girl is waiting for me. I decided to ask about the details of getting a C-section. What should I expect? Have you guys done this before? (thousands of times apparently) Am I going to die? (That one I asked more than once)

My face is behind the curtain. I ask for a washcloth to be rolled under my neck and one to be placed over my eyes. My husband massages my neck the entire time. My years in the sciences…I don’t want to feel like flesh on a table. I must relax. I must pray. I must believe that I made the better choice in a moment that felt like “what other choice did I have?”

The doctor begins narrating her protocols. I ask her to stop. I feel pressure in my body. Am I really going through this right now? Is there really about to be a baby on the other side of this curtain?

“Congratulations! We have a baby girl!”

Waiting to hear a cry…

Baby cries

I cry

My husband cries

My midwife comes over with my daughter and rests her on my chest.

C-Sections are still birth. They are not the easy way out. They bring life into this world, whether planned or unplanned. It’s a birth story that matters and deserves the utmost respect and admiration for such bravery. This month, we honor our C-section mamas, and I hope to have done justice for us through this limited collection to help reflect on the beauty our special scar has given to us and to our most precious gift.